Sometimes, most times in fact I think I think too much. My brain seems to dive right down between the weeds and starts looking for root cause, for an answer, a reason, the bigger picture, for the beginning. Sometimes, while in amongst the roots it is also up there in the clouds, happy, enjoying the freshness of each delicate moment. It is rare my head rests.
Just writing that paragraph I can see each grain of earth around me, worms sliding past as I burrow to the roots and then I can feel the lightness of air and clouds as they whisp past my finger tips. Yes it is rare my head rests, my imagination is vivid, I love it.
Thinking doesn’t make things happen and I’ve come to learn that dreaming and wishing so hard your head wants to shoot off the top of your shoulders doesn’t make things happen either. It sometimes just makes my head and heart ache more.
Sometimes, a lot of times, I can’t sleep, my head alive with thoughts my heart pounding with passion and fear. Knowledge that no matter how tightly I am held it may not be right, it may not be real. Fearful of not sharing that wonderfully giddy feeling of the best thing in life.,, to love and be loved in return. For when struck with this resounding sense of protected belonging, stillness, I sleep and I sleep soundly,
Mostly I am single and it is not because I’m a nightmare girlfriend, it is not because I’m a closet lesbian, or frigid or easy and it is not because I’m bitter and twisted. It is because at some times in my life I have been so utterly head over heels in love I’ve never thought it possible to be so hurt by the same person who has brought me, and shared, so much love and happiness with me. I have valued those moments. I am just so grateful to have had that love that I have no need to wish for another. That was it, that was my ‘better to have loved and lost’ moment. Sometimes I reflect on the good and the bad and I realise where things went wrong, trying hard to ensure history does not repeat itself. I do not need a significant other in my life to make me happy. I am happy, I love my life and love living my life. I would love to share that life with and make a life with someone, but I’m not going to spend time actively seeking that someone.
I truly believe that things happen for a reason and therefore sometimes, good things come to an end. There is always something there to be learnt.
Sometimes, timing can be a real bitch and last year I really thought I had something perfectly amazing. I also hoped that it was something beyond special, and that by letting it go, it would come back to me.
Sometimes, things don’t happen and that not happening is a clear sign that it is of course not happening and quite possibly is unlikely to happen. My learning is… It has not happened and therefore even with all the wishes, dreams and tears in the world, I cannot force it to happen. In fact I refuse to force it to happen, because then it wasn’t just meant to be.
Sometimes, I remind myself that it might not be easy to come back, but then I have a true belief of if you really want to make something happen, you wouldn’t just sit around thinking or wishing hard for it to happen. Nope, you’d do everything possible to make it happen.
Sometimes you may be waiting for the ‘perfect time’ to make something happen. The reality is, there is never a perfect time, you really want something? Well, the right time is now. It, (whatever ‘IT’ is) may not even happen right now, but the intent and the motions will be set and everything else will fall into place.
Sometimes the past is just that, the past. It’s often difficult enough to let it stay there, to let it go. But what happens when it re-emerges in your present? What happens when it bears an uncanny resemblance to a previous time the past reentered the present and carelessly broke something so precious to you, something already delicately and precariously held together with hopes and dreams? Do you approach with caution? Approach with a knowing sense of déjà vu? Approach at all? Or knowing your own self and values – truly, throw yourself in with reckless abandon? You might get hurt again, you may cause pain for another, it may be just wonderful.
Sometimes, I am a true Aries in that I am stubborn, not the kind of stubborn that always has to be right, that will argue black, white. No, not that kind of stubborn. I’m the kind of stubborn that if I’ve made my point, or have a moral or value or hope even, that I hold out for it, I believe in it. I feel if you were to even half know or respect me, you’d know what it is. I’m not going to remind you, you know what is important to me. I am not a default, I need to be chosen, the walls I may have built aren’t there to keep you out, but for you to demonstrate that you totally know where I’m coming from and scale them. To know I won’t; I can’t hold a grudge. But I can be and I am stubborn. If you want me, you know where I am.
But I’m not in the habit of sitting around. Sometimes I am here, and often I am somewhere else. Somewhere between here and the other side of the world I can be found. It’s very simple. If you want me, it’s not too difficult to find me, for I do want to be found.
Sometimes, most times, I love unabashed romance, corny openness and honesty, it’s the little thing that glues so much together. It’s the declaration of being together and not taking something or someone for granted, it’s the acknowledgment that they are worth that little extra, it’s not effort, it comes naturally. It’s simply that warm and fuzzy that makes life a fairy tale.
Sometimes we need answers, sometimes we need loving, to be assured to be comforted to be wanted, to be held and to be loved and sometimes we need closure and sometimes when stubbornly holding out for something that just isn’t there, we just need to truly let go.